Of Life and death

And whilst the ugly face of death shall rise, will I cry in fear? Or will I know, I have a friend so dear, so near, one call and he'll be at my side.
Cold wisps of loneliness touch me not, for the warmth of my love shall hold me tight. Leave me alone, alone, in the happiness of true life. Yet, forget me not, as I hold onto yours, so true, so naught.

I know two people who died this month. One died of lung cancer - he only found out he had cancer a couple weeks before he died.. and the other, was even more sudden- a heart attack. In just a snap... they're gone.

It's always heart wrenching for me to think of losing someone- to death. It's such a painful thing- it's like, I would rather just die myself than have to go through all that. I wouldn't know what's worse- having to leave everyone behind and being the only person, or being left behind by someone you love so much and live for. It makes me think of what is really important in life? At my death bed, what will be important to me? Will I have wished I spent more time playing? Eating? Exercising? Really tho.. it always makes me think, what should I be doing, what should I spend most of my time doing while I'm here in this world, while I'm alive, while I have the strength to do things and tell other people I care about them, and love them... there's so many things I could do.

Sometimes I wonder, how much of my time do I just use for myself, and how much do I actually use for others? Is it really such a bad thing if I were to use a few hours or a few minutes of my time to do something for other people who love me, or who need my help? Do I really have to react with such angst and ... who knows what kind of crap all the time? What the hell IS wrong with me? I live my life basically for myself. Does that make me happy? Ha, not much. I'm always happier when I get to do things for other people and make other people happy somehow. So what's the real deal? Where to go? What to do? Where will I go, and what will I do when I've died? I don't want to lie down for eternity, bored to death. (Pun unintended) There's got to be something better to live for, and die for, I'm sure of it.

Just thinking of losing my parents, my siblings and certain other people really crushes me. Now there's someone new in my life, and the thought of losing him to death is utterly heartbreaking. I don't see how other people can be so strong even when they've lost their very life already. I guess it's just like... it's so painful you can't feel anything anymore.

Zeguri deals with death...